Corny lines I have actually used in online dating chat...

I don't have the funds to visit you. Would you settle on our dreams?

If you allow me into your garden, I will do my best to make it grow.

Besides the stench and the coughs it produced, I must say I really enjoyed smoking. Months after I quit cigarettes I still fantasize about having one. "I will only take 2 puffs and that's it." Suuuuuuuuurrrrrrre I will.

God, what a fantasy.

With all the developments in nanotechnology, you'd think they'd develop a filter that cleans up all the bad stuff in cigarettes and leave only the good stuff (if any). This filter should also render the smoke so it doesn't smell.

I will gladly take up smoking again once this is accomplished.

Gas Prices Need to Go back Up

I am uncomfortable that gas prices are falling so dramatically. I got so used to seeing them inch higher and higher that this new trend is upsetting.

Urge Congress to intervene; my eyes got used to seeing a certain alarming increase; now this is confusing me.

I wish I knew you better

I wish circumstances were right for us to know each other better
I like you
(I really like you)
When you look at me I cannot possibly look away
Something grabs me...
My heart seems frozen in time
My thoughts become your thoughts
My words are my 'roses'
My eyes are 'arms' to hold you
Heart to heart
Nothing seems to last forever like a heart touching another heart...
I want your heart to touch mine--desperately.

Spinach is killing people now. So the kids are right...

I think, in honor of tornado watches, we should design our own Tornado Watch for the heartland.

"No Bra on Babs!" A hysterical headline in Drudge prompted by a recent newswire photo of Barbra Streisand sans bra -- in a see-through blouse no less. I say, go ahead, Babs! We will stand behind you.

Album Titles in My Mind...

If I were a musician, these are some album titles I would consider:

Mushroom Breath

Pout Then Pontificate

Dammit! Coffee on My Ten-Dollar Jeans

Don't Play Me Again on AM Radio (It Degrades the Sound)

I want a Relationship (So I can Write a Song about You)

Conversations at Work

Warning: some objectifying and possibly racist humor

I was watching "Dear Larry" watch porn on the store's computer, and I got a kick of how his face scrunched right up to the screen and he began panting over this one hot Asian chick with particularly large breasts. Then it occurred to me that the photo could have been digitally altered to include another woman's (i.e., a Caucasian woman's) breasts because there was something unnatural about the way those big breasts sat upon that lithe Asian body. In other words, it was "Photoshopped."
How many guys like Larry, I wondered, had spanked to what they thought were authentic Asian women--but in reality were Asians with Caucasian breasts? In this age where anything-is-possible with the help of sophisticated graphics programs like PhotoShop, there could be hundreds of websites floating around featuring Asian women with artificial breasts!
So..........
It begs the question: How may sick website operators have replaced, say, the necks of naked women with, say, the necks of naked men? Hmmm? This is taking it one step further, admittedly, but it needs attention: They--the website operators--would get their kicks knowing that any male visitor is likely to spank to what he thinks is 100% female--yet in reality is 93% female and 7% male!

There could be hundreds of these "Frankenstein" web sites out there already, featuring mostly-women but partially-men.

The implications are outrageous.

Way Off

Living in Florida offers several advantages, most having to do with the weather. Unfortunately, like the flip side of a coin, the weather can go from "idyllic" to something out of a disaster movie: As I type this we are expecting Hurricane Ernesto to affect us right here in beautiful, idyllic Tampa Bay.
So....I gassed up (like everyone else) and got multi-bottles of water (like everyone else) and even got some spiced rum (like everyone else, hopefully).
I even got a multi-pack of Bumble-Bee tuna and chewy granola bars--in case the power goes out for more than a week.
This is "living"?
I can only hope the meterologists are way off in their forecast--that Ernesto fizzles out harmlessly in the Gulf of Mexico.
My greatest worry is that I am going to be without my favorite game, Battlefield 1942, for more than a week. God forbid.

Edit: Alberto was more hype than hurricane.
But it was good for conversation.

Least

Bouts of thinking. I go through bouts of thinking where anything is possible. Even the least likely events...
The most strikingly beautiful woman walked through the doors at work today and, predictably, did not want to flirt with me. She was much more interested in the Thermax ® brand of carpet cleaner we rent, so I obligingly gave her a tutorial on the fine art of suction and release. She seemed genuinely excited about getting her cleaner home after that, so I think my mission was successful.
In Patrick's world, this beautiful, Audrey-Hepburn-type girl would have marched right up to the counter and asked me to bed. Nevermind any small talk about the Thermax. Nevermind the "sign here/initial there" crap either. She would have jumped across the counter at the first sight of me. We'd be in each others' arms in seconds. Forty-five seconds later we'd be completely naked and no longer in each others' arms because we'd be arm-to-arm, making love.
The word 'naked' is such a goddamned sexy word. Especially describing someone like her. I think the word 'naked' is about as raw and candid and real as you can ever hope for in a word. It should only be used on someone like her! I realize I'm going overboard--but you only get to touch angels once or twice in your life, so back off.
Way off.

Good

I think we should only name hurricanes after celebrites.

The "good" ones at least.